11 March 2019

Heavyweight

“I am pressed so hard against the earth by the weight of reality that some days I wonder how I am still able to lift my feet to walk.” ~ Katja Millay, The Sea of Tranquility
I felt myself feeling heavy lately.  After a good long run of feeling light and inspired, the weight of the world has seemingly fallen on me again.  I feel my weight the most in the mornings, as I would get up to start my day.  I would make myself even heavier, by pulling up all the blankets, and sliding my entire body underneath the covers.  I would curl up in the fetal position, force my eyes shut, and drown out the noises from beneath my window.  I lay in bed for a few minutes, and endeavor to get up before the second alarm starts to blare.  But I am heavy, and the weight of the blankets on top of me are comforting, and all I want to do is sleep and never wake up.

Despite all the heaviness in my soul, I manage to get up everyday, promptly before 6:45 a.m.  I even manage to hit the gym several times a week in the mornings, prior to work.  I am a functioning heavy person.  I manage to live a high activity lifestyle, despite all the weight I carry around in my soul.  Sometimes I wonder how I manage to get to all the places I go, with the heaviness I drag around with me.  I even manage to crack jokes, smile at strangers, and hold open doors for others.  All the weight I carry is in my thoughts and in my feelings, and nobody knows that I am tired, or that I am praying for someone or something to come and take it all away.