28 October 2017

Will I Ever Feel Whole Again?

“Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over.” ~ Nicole Sobon, Program 13
So we moved in the beginning of September.  I had gone to the Philippines during the last part of August to visit my mom who had been sick with pneumonia for most of the summer, and almost immediately after I stepped back down on U.S. soil, I was moving residences for the first time in four years.

I wanted to move.  I needed to move.  Or so I thought.  I had been holding onto my last relationship as though he were my lifeline, and I had thought that moving away from the area where he lived would close the door to him forever.  And in many ways, it has, and although I had not convinced myself that I had already done so, in actuality I had already moved on from him, and moving away from him had actually reopened old wounds.

Go figure.

I walk these old streets and remember the times, in the beginning days of our relationship, when he and I would walk these same roads.  I spy the window of my old apartment, and I can see my face there, looking out from that same fourth floor window with anticipation and excitement, as I used to look out for his car.  Today, I walked around the neighborhood and a cold breeze blew past, and I was suddenly carried back to the time I stood outside my old apartment building and he and I had our first kiss with the crisp Autumn air blowing on our necks.

I pass by a Costa Rican chicken shop almost every day, and it reminds me every time of the trip he and I took to Costa Rica.  And when I hear the sirens from the nearby firehouse, I remember the nights I used to visit him at the firehouse because we both hated spending the nights away from each other while he worked.

Moving away from him has actually made me miss him again, with a fierceness that I never experienced when I was living in the house that we once shared.  I feel an emptiness inside me that nothing has been able to fill, and I have once again sunk into a dark and lonely abyss of depression and helplessness.