13 February 2017

Foul

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'” ~ Stephen King, Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay
I was in a foul mood this past weekend.  I felt angry and irritable and as though nothing was going right.  To further intensify things, I had to work this weekend, giving me little to no time to decompress.  I found myself folding laundry and doing housecleaning at 9:00 p.m. last night and I was so exhausted I wanted to cry. 

Somehow my thoughts wandered to negative thoughts, and I started to think to myself, "People who say 'God is good' clearly have never had anything bad happen to them."

My relationship with God has not been the best, to say the least.  I do believe in God.  I just do not believe that He is necessarily in my corner.  The last time I prayed for something, He turned around and gave my dream/wish to the other woman.  Suffice it to say, I will not be asking Him for anything anytime soon, lest He give it to someone else.

The anniversary of my sister's death is coming up soon.  I remember clearly how I prayed so hard for her not to die.  We all know how that turned out.  

Then, I prayed and pleaded with God for another baby.  I even underwent fertility treatments and spent thousands of dollars and tears, only to end up watching the other woman give birth to a beautiful baby.

I realize that I sound like a whiny and annoying woman, but sometimes, I just cannot control myself.  I feel badly though when I see someone who is homeless or who has much less than I do.  It does help put things in perspective and I am humbled and realize how foolishly ungrateful I am for the things that I do have.

But I am only human, and I have to allow myself to feel these negative thoughts, let it out, and move on.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Nova,
    As you would be aware it is only human to have such feelings from time to time. I think all of us are hostage to some degree to our existential realities which mean we can only construct a GOD in a similar human image.
    For alas we have to deal with the mystery of free will and determinism about which you may have already gathered philosophers have eternally debated about how it translates to our existence.
    As the psalmist cries out “Continually the foe delights in taunting me: “Where is God, where is your God?”
    Where, O where, are you?
    Defend me, God, send forth your light and your truth, they will lead me to your holy mountain,
    to your dwelling place.
    I remember how novelist Morris West talked about standing on a high hill and looking back on the rugged stony ground, the treacherous pathways, to survey both the beauty of the land and of its terror, it's joy and pain, which had accompanied him along it's well-worn path to the pinnacle from which he now looked back.
    He likened it to a state of grace, for GOD was there all the time, but that was not how it seemed at the time. Quite the contrary -of no help whatsoever- for all his prayers. Like as if one is the recipients of a certain creative freedom but in a mysterious way it cannot be separated from it's pain, just as we will experience momentarily those rare glimpses of joy. The mystery both seem indivisible to our existence.
    But your last sentence is indeed true for all of us in that we are all human, and have to allow at times for these negative thoughts, to give rise to such expressions which in itself may be a cathartic experience.
    Best wishes

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  2. Good on you for letting it out and carrying on. You don't need me to tell you you're strong :)

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