04 June 2015

Shine, But Let Me Shine a Little Bit Brighter

“Have you ever seen the stars in the night? See them closely, they will tell you, how to be open, how to love and how to shine and twinkle without any differences and jealousy of other stars.” ~ Santosh Kalwar, Quote Me Everyday
I do not really use Facebook, but on occasion, I do log on just to get updates on my friends' lives.  I saw today a picture of an old family friend, C.  She updated her profile photo with a picture of her, and presumably, her new boyfriend.

I was curious, so I clicked onto her new boyfriend's profile, and I saw that he had also updated his profile and he had pictures of the two of them scattered all over his page.

I was instantly hit with a pang of jealousy as I scanned all the photos of their smiling faces, and the dozens of photos of them in various locations, looking happy, embracing and holding hands.

C's father and my father were very good friends.  They worked in the same engineering firm many years ago, and she and I are about the same age.  We grew up together, and both of our parents were very happy that she and I got along.

And yes, we did get along, although I admit that I always felt a bit inferior to her.  She was taller, prettier, and she went to a better university than I did. Misfortune hit her family, however, when her father, twenty years ago now, became embroiled in gambling, and then tragically was diagnosed with fatal lung cancer.  

All my jealousy washed away when I saw how she and her family struggled from losing her father at such a young age.  Not many years later, she and her family would come back and help my family when we had to face losing my sister to cancer.

She and I were never the best of friends, but whenever tragedy would strike our families, we would join forces and pull one another out of the depths of despair.  It was one of the things that I always loved about C -- no matter what stupid envious or jealous feelings either one of us had (mostly on my part, I am sure), we would always be there for each other's families.

I went through my terrible marriage and divorce many years ago, and she went through hers just a few years ago.  So when I saw her updated profile photo today with her new boyfriend, I immediately thought of how quickly she rebounded back, and then naturally, I thought of how I have not

While she and her new love are headed towards planning a wedding, I am still coping with my last disastrous relationship.  While I am happy for her, I am left wondering why a happy relationship continues to elude me.  While she is creating happy memories with him, I am busy dodging questions from my daughter about why I can't ever seem to hold down a man.  

2 comments:

  1. Hi Nova
    I think this post goes back to your earlier ones about fate and why certain things happen, be they good or bad.
    I am reminded of when I was only 23, when my father wrote to me in an effort to put his affairs in order as he was dying at a young age of lung cancer. But he ended by saying it is perhaps best we don’t have a say in when we choose to depart from this world. It caused me to think back and realise he always lived life to the fullest, even in times of hardship from his recurring bad heath arising from war service and when we lost the house and all our possessions in a great flood.

    So I don’t think you need to dodge those questions from your daughter, but rather tell her the truth. You love her and will always do the best for her, but we don’t always get what we want in life, but you treasure her like a shining star that twinkles before you.
    But explain you did your best to enter into marriage and have a loving father, but a bad marriage meant that did not work out. The fact you’re a single Mum is not your fault.
    Renewing old friends in times of hardship when jealousies departs tells you how we can put aside our burdens and give us an inkling of how life is meant to be lived, difficult as it can be. Children will invariably accept the truth more readily that we think, even if it takes a little time for it to sink in , but first of all we have to believe it ourselves.
    Best wishes

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