12 August 2014

Un-Ringed Finger

“For there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first.” ~ Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
I had a habit of rubbing my thumb against it and adjusting it to sit perfectly around my finger.  It was always a little big on me, but I didn't mind it because its looseness was a reminder to me that it was on my finger.  I looked at it frequently, and was proud of what it symbolized: I belonged to him, and he belonged to me.

I took it off last week, and have not put it back on.  I rub my thumb against the empty finger, and I feel the ridge of my finger where the ring once was.  The emptiness of that finger reminds me of what I have lost, and of what was never mine.

He dropped the bomb on me on a sunny Saturday summer morning:  He and she are expecting a baby, and it is a boy - a baby, a boy that I had prayed to conceive during all these months that I had been undergoing fertility treatments.  I was unable to conceive, and now my dream was going to become another woman's reality.

All I feel now is betrayed.  By him, by God, by everyone.  I put my trust out there, only to have it explode in my face and shatter my heart.

I am not sure that I will be able to recover.

6 comments:

  1. Oh no... Sometimes betrayal and anger are all we have left but you will get through this.

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  2. That is so horrible and I am so sorry.

    You WILL be able to recover. He is not worthy of you. To make you go through fertility treatments and all it's side effects and then turn around and do that? He's disgusting and a poor excuse for a man.

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  3. You will recover, Sister. We are nothing, if not resilient, and you are a warrior. I don't know anyone stronger.

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  4. Never, Never, Never, Give Up - Winston Churchill
    In time, you will move forward. There will be consequences to this betrayal within you, but you are a resilient being. And delving into a blackhole is not an option.

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  5. It may be hard, but you can do it - time changes everything.

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  6. "The emptiness of that finger reminds me of what I have lost..."
    You didn't lose it because you weren't paying attention and forgot it at the cafe. What you had, what you were working on so earnestly was abruptly taken away from you. :-(

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