13 February 2014

Cracked Open

"The only obsession everyone wants: 'love.' People think that in falling in love they make themselves whole? The Platonic union of souls? I think otherwise. I think you're whole before you begin. And the love fractures you. You're whole, and then you're cracked open." ~ Philip Roth, The Dying Animal
Whenever I was single and alone, I felt empty.  I felt a gaping void inside myself that I thought could only be filled by being with somebody.  So to fill that emptiness until I found someone, I would travel, or write, or read, or take archery classes.  I listened to music and sang to myself as I experimented new recipes in the kitchen.  I went to church and talked to God.

After some time, I would not feel so vacant anymore.  In fact, I would feel fulfilled.  Whole.  I would feel content and happy with my own company, and the mere thought of inviting someone, a relationship, into my life, felt like a violation.  But I would, eventually, because I would remember how being with someone could feel so good.  My life would then become wrapped up with his life, and the hollowness in my life would then be filled by him and everything that surrounds "us."

So when that "us" falls apart, and when I am left with just myself, I start to miss all the things that being with him filled in my life.  I would then realize that I would not have a "plus 1" to bring to social events, and that I would not need to even make so many meals as it would only be just for me, just for one.

That is when I would feel sorry for myself.  I would feel the loneliness and I would suffocate in the empty space left by him.  I might even miss him, miss the warmth of his body next to mine, and forget about the way he used to blame me for everything that went wrong in his life.  I would forget the 262 ways he irritated me with his immaturity, and I would only think about how I am now supposed to look forward to lonely nights by myself.

I have to remember that I was complete without him.  Being with him, with anybody, you lose pieces of yourself to make their pieces fit in with yours.

I have to regain my pieces, while I am still with him.  I will vow never to let myself feel incomplete ever again.

4 comments:

  1. Good resolution! Hope it goes well :)

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  2. You're back, hooray! I'm glad to see you writing again because I always like to read your thoughts. Thanks for sharing and I wish for you to find someone who adds to your pieces instead of taking them away...I promise it's out there. Hugs for Valentine's Day! :)

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  3. You always manage to put such complicated emotions so eloquently. I envy that! :) Glad you are back.
    happy valentine's day!!! <3

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  4. So I read the part about Archery lessons, and it made me think of Nicholas Cage in "Weather Man" but this thought was more of a remake where you're the one walking down a street in New York with a bow and a quiver full of arrows, and nothing and nobody got in your way. :-)

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