01 October 2010

Umbrella Dreams

"For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain." ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"There's gon' be some stuff you gon' see
that's gon' make it hard to smile in the future.
But through whatever you see,
through all the rain and the pain,
you gotta keep your sense of humor.
You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit.
Remember that." ~
Tupac Shakur

I carry inside my purse a little red umbrella. I carry it nearly every day, even on days when the weather predictions do not call for rain. It is just the type of person I am. I try to be prepared for everything.

I save money, even if it is just a small amount. I save for “rainy days” because you just never know when life will throw a big storm in your life and an umbrella or a little extra cash will come in handy.

I dreamt last night that I took in the little red umbrella for a tune-up, so to speak. The repairman had tightened all the rods and made sure that there were no holes in the fabric.

“This is all good,” he reassured me. “The umbrella is good to go.”

A while later, there was a torrential downpour. The umbrella failed me. It flipped up against the wind and heavy rains, and I ended up getting drenched.


It was just a dream, but to me it represented my fear that no matter what I do or how I try to prevent myself from getting hurt, heartache and pain is still going to happen.

Maybe it is something that I have to learn about life - that inevitably it is going to rain and no umbrella in the world is going to guarantee that I will not get wet.


There is a hollowness in my stomach. I ache inside. I want so badly for all the things in my life to come together, in a way that has not yet happened for me. But I am afraid, so afraid, that no matter what I do to try and make things happen the way that I want, that it will not, and I will end up being severely disappointed.

(source)

I want to go back to the days when I did not care or even think to carry an umbrella. I want to be able to do what I want to do and not care if I am going to get hurt or not.

When did I forget how to dance in the rain?