"We hear nothing so clearly as what comes out of silence." ~ David James Duncan
... The silence fills me with depressing thoughts and the waiting makes me insane ...
I left my apartment last night and walked around Times Square. The crowds and the city noises helped to drown out the maddening silence and emptiness of my life.
A little bit of air entered my soul as I breathed in the smells of the city. I actually felt alive. My cyclical lifestyle of work, home and exercise is tiresome and meaningless. I have felt dead for a while.
My problems with everyone in my life continue, and while they all can resume their happy, full lives after a brief interruption by me, my life is one big interruption.
I long for human touch and interaction. A smile. Positive thoughts. A hug.
Some affirmation that I am loved and needed.
Instead, it has been empty email boxes and unplaced phone calls. Negative judgments.
And I am always left feeling abandoned.
Walking around the city felt therapeutic. It was nice to be out with some friends. A Joy Luck Club of sorts.
We talked, we laughed, we commiserated and we smiled at random strangers. We even took some photos with some policemen as if we were tourists.
For a few hours, I felt alive.
I checked my phones when I came home, and there were no messages, no texts, no emails from anyone.
The silence speaks volumes. Coming home to an empty apartment, an empty life, is no way for anyone to live.
I need to find my life again.