30 August 2010

Set Sail

"Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk." ~ Dalai Lama XIV

"There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors." ~ Jim Morrison

I now leave things up to Fate. To whatever direction Fate leads me, I follow.

It was not always this way, though.

In this ocean of life, I once was captain of my own ship. I navigated and directed my course and journey.

But being alone at sea can change a person.

Rough waters and harsh storms can humble a person. Or make them lose faith in themselves. To the point where they no longer feel capable to direct their own destination.

Or, they have learned that this journey through life, no matter how hard we try to go in a particular direction, there are much higher forces and powers that always prevail. And there are always unexpected stops and delays at ports, and there are even encounters with pirates who try to sabotage our way.

We can always try to direct our destination, but the journey to get there may not always be as we plan.

So jump onto my ship, or I'll jump onto yours. We may have no idea where we are going, but that is okay. We can set our sails to wherever we want to go, and we can do our best to stay the course, and the rest we can leave up to the wind to take us where it may, and we can have the stars to guide us through all the dark and stormy nights.

What matters to me is that we travel there, together. With love, faith, loyalty, and God's guidance, we will make it there. I believe it.

22 August 2010

Silence

"We hear nothing so clearly as what comes out of silence." ~ David James Duncan

... The silence fills me with depressing thoughts and the waiting makes me insane ...

I left my apartment last night and walked around Times Square. The crowds and the city noises helped to drown out the maddening silence and emptiness of my life.

A little bit of air entered my soul as I breathed in the smells of the city. I actually felt alive. My cyclical lifestyle of work, home and exercise is tiresome and meaningless. I have felt dead for a while.

My problems with everyone in my life continue, and while they all can resume their happy, full lives after a brief interruption by me, my life is one big interruption.

I long for human touch and interaction. A smile. Positive thoughts. A hug.

Some affirmation that I am loved and needed.

Instead, it has been empty email boxes and unplaced phone calls. Negative judgments.

And I am always left feeling abandoned.

Walking around the city felt therapeutic. It was nice to be out with some friends. A Joy Luck Club of sorts.

We talked, we laughed, we commiserated and we smiled at random strangers. We even took some photos with some policemen as if we were tourists.

For a few hours, I felt alive.

I checked my phones when I came home, and there were no messages, no texts, no emails from anyone.

The silence speaks volumes. Coming home to an empty apartment, an empty life, is no way for anyone to live.

I need to find my life again.

20 August 2010

Valleys


"Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine and valleys of frustration and failure." ~ Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

Woke up today with my clothes sticking to my body. The heat has returned. At least in my apartment.

Debated whether I should ditch work today or not. Decided there are better ways to spend a Friday than burning up in one's own apartment. Showered and dressed, and walked to the train. Within a few minutes, my clothes were soaked with sweat.

Am now sitting in my air-conditioned office, and my sweat-soaked clothes are drying crisply against my body.

Lovely way to start a Friday.
♦ ♦ ♦

I found out yesterday that the apartment for which I have been waiting is no longer available. Yesterday was a shitty day all around, and I decided to take it out on my workout.
I bought this heart rate monitor:
I burned 701 calories in 90 minutes and my heart rate maxed at 162bpm. Am finding myself obsessing about my workouts as each night I try to do more and more. It's like that for me. Whenever I am upset about things in my life that I cannot control, I take it out on my body by exercising to extreme levels.
♦ ♦ ♦

I saw my best friend this past weekend. I met his new girlriend. She was chilly and not very happy to meet me. Even his parents commented to me later that she seemed jealous of my close friendship with M. Whatever. It was good to see him, and being around him was just like it always was. Comfortable. We laughed and joked like we had just seen each other yesterday. The one thing I always appreciate about our friendship is that neither time nor distance changes how we interact with each other.
♦ ♦ ♦

Since the apartment deal fell through, I have to start looking again. I hate starting over. I console myself by making myself believe that a better apartment is around the corner waiting for me. I hope so.