"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I need it the most." ~ Swedish Proverb
I dream of a life, the life I was supposed I have, and not the one that I have lived.
"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I need it the most." ~ Swedish Proverb
"For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain." ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"There's gon' be some stuff you gon' see
that's gon' make it hard to smile in the future.
But through whatever you see,
through all the rain and the pain,
you gotta keep your sense of humor.
You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit.
Remember that." ~ Tupac Shakur
I carry inside my purse a little red umbrella. I carry it nearly every day, even on days when the weather predictions do not call for rain. It is just the type of person I am. I try to be prepared for everything.
I save money, even if it is just a small amount. I save for “rainy days” because you just never know when life will throw a big storm in your life and an umbrella or a little extra cash will come in handy.
I dreamt last night that I took in the little red umbrella for a tune-up, so to speak. The repairman had tightened all the rods and made sure that there were no holes in the fabric.
“This is all good,” he reassured me. “The umbrella is good to go.”
A while later, there was a torrential downpour. The umbrella failed me. It flipped up against the wind and heavy rains, and I ended up getting drenched.
It was just a dream, but to me it represented my fear that no matter what I do or how I try to prevent myself from getting hurt, heartache and pain is still going to happen.
Maybe it is something that I have to learn about life - that inevitably it is going to rain and no umbrella in the world is going to guarantee that I will not get wet.
There is a hollowness in my stomach. I ache inside. I want so badly for all the things in my life to come together, in a way that has not yet happened for me. But I am afraid, so afraid, that no matter what I do to try and make things happen the way that I want, that it will not, and I will end up being severely disappointed.
I want to go back to the days when I did not care or even think to carry an umbrella. I want to be able to do what I want to do and not care if I am going to get hurt or not.
When did I forget how to dance in the rain?
"When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to stand upon or you will be taught to fly." ~ Patrick Overton, The Leaning Tree: Poems
"Fortune sides with him who dares." ~ Virgil
"Except I think it feels more like an empty stomach than a broken heart. An aching hollowness that food can't cure. You know. You've felt it yourself, I bet. You hurt all the time, you're restless, you can't think straight, you sort of wish you were dead but what you really want is for everything to be the same as it was when you were still with him." ~ Richard Laymon, Night in the Lonesome October
I had one of those dreams the other night, those dreams of feeling inadequate. I was at my martial arts school. The students there all knew of my past achievements. My trophies still were displayed proudly in the cases in front of the school. I had promised them all a demonstration. But when I stepped out in the middle of the school to perform, I suddenly could not remember anything, not even the most simple maneuver. I left the school in shame, and I could hear the whispers of the students, "She is nothing but a has-been."
I was in the train yesterday on the way to work. It was the second day that the train had stopped in the tunnels underneath. The day before we were held in the train for over forty-five minutes in the underground tunnels. The train had gone into a state of emergency when it felt as though it had run over something, perhaps a body. They stopped our train to investigate and to make sure there were no "obstructions" in the rails. Yesterday, we were held again, but not nearly as long. Still, it was nerve-wracking. There was an older Latino couple standing near me. The woman was obviously in a state of panic. She held on tightly to the pole. The man stood next to her, comforting her, and he put his hand over her hand on the pole, caressing and protecting her at the same time. He whispered to her, "Esta bien, mi amor. Todo va a estar bien." She leaned herself into him and I could see her tension subside. The sweet and genuine exchange of love and care between this beautiful couple made me want to cry. I felt the sting of hot tears in my eyes as I realized that I want that in my life. To grow old with someone. To love and to be loved. To know that everything in the world will be alright as long as we are together.
It has been a dark week for me, with the feeling of the loss of my sister hitting me in thunderous waves. As if I could not go any lower, I reached an even deeper low when I allowed someone to make me feel as if I am the most selfish, most untrustworthy and most undeserving person in this world.
I am not perfect, but I always do try to do the right thing.
"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your
partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it."
"Did you ever wonder? Why people gather when others die? Why people feel they should? It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed." ~ The Five People You Meet in Heaven
"Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk." ~ Dalai Lama XIV
"There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors." ~ Jim Morrison
I now leave things up to Fate. To whatever direction Fate leads me, I follow.
It was not always this way, though.
In this ocean of life, I once was captain of my own ship. I navigated and directed my course and journey.
But being alone at sea can change a person.
Rough waters and harsh storms can humble a person. Or make them lose faith in themselves. To the point where they no longer feel capable to direct their own destination.
Or, they have learned that this journey through life, no matter how hard we try to go in a particular direction, there are much higher forces and powers that always prevail. And there are always unexpected stops and delays at ports, and there are even encounters with pirates who try to sabotage our way.
We can always try to direct our destination, but the journey to get there may not always be as we plan.
So jump onto my ship, or I'll jump onto yours. We may have no idea where we are going, but that is okay. We can set our sails to wherever we want to go, and we can do our best to stay the course, and the rest we can leave up to the wind to take us where it may, and we can have the stars to guide us through all the dark and stormy nights.
What matters to me is that we travel there, together. With love, faith, loyalty, and God's guidance, we will make it there. I believe it.
"We hear nothing so clearly as what comes out of silence." ~ David James Duncan
... The silence fills me with depressing thoughts and the waiting makes me insane ...
I left my apartment last night and walked around Times Square. The crowds and the city noises helped to drown out the maddening silence and emptiness of my life.
A little bit of air entered my soul as I breathed in the smells of the city. I actually felt alive. My cyclical lifestyle of work, home and exercise is tiresome and meaningless. I have felt dead for a while.
My problems with everyone in my life continue, and while they all can resume their happy, full lives after a brief interruption by me, my life is one big interruption.
I long for human touch and interaction. A smile. Positive thoughts. A hug.
Some affirmation that I am loved and needed.
Instead, it has been empty email boxes and unplaced phone calls. Negative judgments.
And I am always left feeling abandoned.
Walking around the city felt therapeutic. It was nice to be out with some friends. A Joy Luck Club of sorts.
We talked, we laughed, we commiserated and we smiled at random strangers. We even took some photos with some policemen as if we were tourists.
For a few hours, I felt alive.
I checked my phones when I came home, and there were no messages, no texts, no emails from anyone.
The silence speaks volumes. Coming home to an empty apartment, an empty life, is no way for anyone to live.
I need to find my life again.
"Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine and valleys of frustration and failure." ~ Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
"The one who doesn't fall, doesn't stand up." ~ Fedor Emelianenko, after losing for the first time in ten years.
"When you look into your mother’s eyes, you know that is the purest love you can find on this earth." ~ Mitch Albom, For One More Day
“For the hand that rocks the cradle - is the hand that rules the world.” ~ William Ross Wallace
I was at my parent's house during my birthday. My mom planned a party for me, with lots of guests and an elaborate spread. I dressed up especially nicely that day and wanted to make my grand appearance in style. So, when the guests started to arrive, I did not want to be seen until I was completely satisfied with my hair, makeup and dress. I decided to hide in the backyard until after all the guests arrived before I made my entrance. I climbed up the tree house and waited for the right moment. After some time, all the guests had arrived, and my mom started to wonder what had happened to me. They all started to call out my name. I did not answer. Instead, I stayed in the tree house to see what they would do. After a few more minutes, they started to become frantic. My mom even picked up the phone to call the police. Before she could complete the call, I finally came down from the tree house and greeted everyone with a smile.
"Where were you?!?!" my mom cried.
I pointed to the treehouse in the backyard. "There," I answered.
"Well, didn't you hear us calling for you? We all started to worry!"
"Yes, I heard you," I smiled.
"So why didn't you answer then?" she asked.
"I just wanted to make sure all of you really did miss me," I answered.
"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for." ~ Dag Hammarskjold, Swedish Statesman