03 August 2009

Unwanted Admission

I was angry for a long time. Years, possibly. I knew she had stolen my Immaculate Collection cd. I mean, I saw it in her box of cds. When I confronted her about it, she denied ever taking it.

"I bought it. That's not yours,"
she said.

"I don't understand," I countered. Last week you didn't have the cd, and now you do, and mine is missing all of a sudden? I know that's mine."

"It's not yours."


(source: Google images)

That was that. She had a tone of finality in her voice. I didn't have the energy to argue with her anymore. It was just a stupid cd. But damn, it was my favorite cd. I seethed about it for a long time but never bothered to confront her about it again.

Years later, she got very sick. Cancer. She fought hard for her life. I didn't think she would ever succumb to it. When a priest came to give her Last Rites, she was defiant and refused to take it.

A day before she died, I was at the hospital. From out of nowhere, she turned to me and said, "I want you to know - your Immaculate Collection cd - I did take it from you. I'm sorry. I loved that cd and wanted it for myself. I'm sorry I lied to you, but I did take it. It's in my room. You can take it back from me."

I felt my heart breaking inside. Ripping into little shreds.

I was angry, not because she did in fact steal my cd, but because she decided to finally come clean about it. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want a deathbed confession. I wanted her to keep lying and deny that she had stolen my precious cd. I remembered some saying about people making peace with themselves and with those they have wronged right before they died.

I could feel her slipping. I felt the fight coming out of her. This wasn't supposed to happen.

I refused to accept her confession. "No, I don't want to take it. That one is yours. You have to get better so you can buy me my own cd."

"The cd is in the closet. Inside the box with all of my other cds. You can have your cd back."

She died the next night.

Later, when we were going through her things, I came across the cd. I didn't take it back. I left it in the box along with her other belongings.

For a long time I believed that she would still be alive if she never made peace with me.

I wish that I told her that I would have let her steal anything of mine if only she would never leave my life.
"Why, I did not know we had quarreled." ~ Henry David Thoreau, when asked by his aunt if he had made his peace with God

9 comments:

  1. luv ya Nova..that was probably the singlemost bittersweet thing I have ever read. Thank you sooo much for sharing it!

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  2. Wow. This is a very touching story. I enjoyed reading it and made me think about my little sister being very near her time. And how she had waited for my sisters and I to fly into town and see her. Although she could not speak or communicate with us, she waited for us to arrive. Shortly after, she passed. Makes you really appreciate the mysteries of life and the things that can't truly be explained. I'm glad she made her peace. ;) I think it also uplifted some of your negative energy spent on the resentment of her taking your cd too.

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  3. you love your sister, and that's what counts. nothing else matters. the hole of her going will never go away, but it isn't empty either.
    hugs.

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  4. With tears streaming down my face I couldn't agree with you more.

    The bargaining we make with ourselves, with our loved ones, with God, just to keep them with us.

    If only once we would succeed...

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  5. i feel like hugging you.

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  6. Well, I found some interesting emails and some incriminating phone records today. My marriage is over. I'm packing his shit tomorrow (he's out of town right now), and giving him the boot. I'll fill out divorce papers this week. I'm done.

    This exhausts me. I want to cry some more. And I know it's the right thing...

    Ugh...life.

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  7. *big teary sigh*

    Thank you for your comment, made me get teary.

    He did change his routine...he did more around the house, communicated a little more about our home and finances, gave more hugs...the long embrace that makes you feel warm and fuzzy, and was a lot nicer.

    I think he's been doing this so I won't have any reason to be suspicious. After all, he's SUCH a "good" husband!!! (Vomit)

    What a piece of shit. I will get through this. It's going to be tough at times, but it's going to work out. And me, happy and alone (hell, even miserable and alone!), is a lot better than miserable with him.



    Thanks again for you kind thoughts. :)

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  8. Nova, reading this post of yours brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry you had to lose her.

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