11 May 2009

Alone

I haven’t been able to sleep well lately. There’s this gnawing, queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I haven’t been able to shake. There are too many things happening in my life right now, and unfortunately, none of them are good. Every day is a constant battle to stay positive, but it’s rather difficult when negative people and things are always in my path. I can only do so much cleaning and throwing out of the things in my life that cause me stress. I am down to a skeleton-crew of friends, so to speak. I’ve been burned too often and too much by everyone I trusted. I almost feel like I can’t rely on anyone except myself.

Maybe part of this funk that I am in is a result of being overworked. I work all the time. I have no financial support from anyone, and even worse, others actually depend on me for financial help. I worry about such things as my health and what would happen to G if something happened to me. My parents are getting older and my brother has his own life with his wife – I cannot rely on them to always catch me when I fall.

It's a painful feeling to know that you're alone in this world.

"It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.” ~ Albert Einstein
"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self." ~ Brendan Francis

02 May 2009

Change Your Skies

Two years, six days, four hours and twenty three minutes.

That was how long ago since he had left her. She left him, too, although he did not seem to be aware of it, because he was no longer there to see for himself. She left him when she went out on dates with other men. She left him whenever she went to the old places where they used to go. "See, I am here! Without you!" she imagined herself saying to him.

She wanted to tell him that she was no longer with him and that he wasn't the only one who had left. She thought that by not staying by her phone and by not waiting for his call, that he would feel the loss of her.

She made trips across the ocean and visited places she knew he would never dream of going. She thought that by being anywhere except for where he expected her to be, that he would know that she was lost to him.

But in the two years, six days, four hours and twenty three minutes since he had left her, he never came back for her. She had hoped that he would, only to find that she had also gone. More than anything in the world, she wanted him to know the feeling of having been left.

After two years, six days, four hours, and twenty four minutes, she realized that she had never really left him. No matter how many times she thought she had left him and no matter how many places she had gone to leave him behind, she never really did leave, because she had always carried him with her.
"Those who cross the sea, change their skies, but not their souls." ~ Horace