07 March 2008

No Explanation

We were roommates and best friends in college. Even after college, we stayed best friends, calling each other every day after work to vent to each other our daily frustrations. Some days, particularly on especially stressful days, we spoke twice a day or more. We were as close as two friends could be. She lived in New Jersey, and I lived in Washington, but because we spoke everyday, the distance never hindered our friendship.

I told her everything about me, sparing no secrets, and even divulged to her things that I would be embarrassed to utter to myself alone. She, in turn, a very private person by nature, revealed her deep and dark skeletons to me.

During my first months of marriage, I had kept private my increasing problems with my marriage. She was the only one that knew of my troubles, and my only source of venting. One day, after an extreme situation in my marriage, I called her for some sound advice. She is a family law attorney and is accustomed to situations far worse than what I was experiencing, but more importantly, she was my friend, and I knew that if nothing else, she would be a voice of reason. She offered me some advice and then said she would get back to me as she needed further clarification on something. I never heard back from her.

That was over four years ago. I have called her countless times and have written her letters. I even wrote her an apology letter shortly after our last conversation. I feared that maybe I put too much on her plate or somehow offended her in some way. She did send me one cryptic email reassuring me that I had done nothing wrong, but for reasons that she did not yet feel comfortable to share with me, she no longer could be friends with me. To her credit, she has never forgotten my birthday, and every year, I get a text message from her or an e-card wishing me a happy birthday.

So our ten-plus years of best friendship all comes down to one message a year. No explanation, no nothing. I have since given up on trying to contact her. She knows where I am, and how to reach me.

I read in the society papers that she has gotten married, and she and her husband have bought a lovely home out in the Jersey Shore. I felt happy that she and her boyfriend had finally gotten married. A point of contention in her relationship with him was that she felt that he did not want to get married even though they had been together for several years. It looks as though she got what she wanted.

As happy as I am for her, it hurt more than a little that I had to find out about her good news through the newspaper. Maybe one day, I will know what her reasons were or are for no longer being my friend. Meanwhile, I sincerely wish her nothing but happiness and good fortune.

"I don't even remember what it was I was mad about and I don't care. Whatever it was that you did, I forgive you."

"What I did? You and your lousy letters. Just to get one of them made me special even before I opened it. All your crappy stories, all your big dreams."

"I didn't know that."
 
"Well, what the hell did you know? Did you know how bad things were for me? No, because you wouldn't even open my letters. If you had even answered one, just one! Told me what a jerk I was, anything! But you didn't. You took your friendship away without even discussing it with me. So, thank you very much for forgiving me. But I don't forgive you."
~ Hillary and C.C. Bloom, Beaches

12 comments:

  1. maybe she felt that her romantic life was going so well, she could not share it with you when you were going through so much hardship?

    ReplyDelete
  2. on re-reading your post, though, i'm sure the answer is not as simplistic as the one i offered above. i have had a similar experience with a girlfriend i once cherished... and i still don't know why she chose to drift away. it kills me not to contact her, but like you, i figure she knows how to contact me if she wants to. it also kills me not to know the reason for the end of our friendship.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've had that happen, a friend that I thought was my best just disappeared without so much as a goodbye. Of course, it ended up being when I needed her most. In the end, I truly believe it happens for a reason -- one that we have to discover for ourselves later. Whether they ever decide to come back, we've become much stronger, and I think it'll be hard to get back to that same closeness if they do return.

    At least we've got each other. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. *hugs!* there are really times when friends suddenly forget you, coz of space, time, distance. me and my best friend are getting into that trouble. i just told myself, i guess i am a possessive best friend.

    ReplyDelete
  5. whatever the reason, you have handled the situation with poise and grace.

    hopefully, you will receive an answer before it is too late.

    ReplyDelete
  6. my battle right now is to reestablish contact and a relationship who had vanished for 6 years. It's fragile and tough at the same time.
    Anyhow, my sympathies go out to you. I know exactly what your talking about.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi, hopefully one day she will explain her reasons...

    Ok, this may be different situation, but this is as close as it got in my life. Few years ago, while in Spain I saw a high-school friend's sister who I haven't seen for five years and at high school was a two years younger and I have never even given a day in her life and after my senior year and my graduation day told me she will never speak to me again.

    Make it short, her brother is still my best friend, her parents was the reason why i was in Spain, their father was sick, and she did not speak to me? But, I got hints from her mother.....she said what I will never forget...that life no matter the situation of the "person is a monolithic creature, you wanted her to give you space where you hoped she got the hints, but creatures do well if hints are good". In other words, the leave me alone non-verbal and I'm in different league was taken, you don't deserve me hints.

    U see, people internalize issues of their friends, specially close friends...they suffer with you when your down, laugh when things are great and some how feel they R sharing your life with you for good or bad, which some-times results you giving the wrong attention which they don't want to be part of. And still don't know how they felt that way.

    I agree with U, her sending you wishes, speaks volume and loud to what kind of relationship U guys had and what kind of person she is...

    Hopefully she comes around one day, with your talk of her, shows the deep love U have for her.

    ReplyDelete
  8. nova, this post made my heart ache. i, too, have a friend, albeit one of a much shorter connection, who disappeared. it drives me a bit crazy wondering why, but i know if this is the manner she chooses to confront issues, i am better off with her out of my life. it is always sad when people can't bring themselves to share their truths.

    ReplyDelete
  9. ryc-- you and i are a lot alike. i thought i would feel so alone, doing things by myself, but i find myself really liking it. a lot of my friends aren't the same way and they wouldn't understand. i'm so glad that you do.

    ReplyDelete
  10. after i read this, i then thought of my best friends way back from college, in which, we never had the chance of communicating again.
    somehow, i can say that your story is quite similar from mine.
    my advise probably try giving her a visit and personally congratulate her. who knows everything might be put back again.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi there, thx for dropping by my blog & leaving a comment.
    I love the picture you have on the front of your blog, we visited NY last year & totally loved it & that pic is so ny. We hope to get back there again soon.

    The reason I wanted to add a comment to this post instead of the more recent one is your post really struck a cord with me. The exact same thing happened to me about a year ago, although I do know why he stopped talking to me. But trust me it doesn’t hurt any less.

    I had a friend who was my best friend in the whole world we really could tell each other everything he was always there for me & apart from my husband was the only one i felt i could be the real me with, if you know what I mean.
    We were best friends for nearly 10 years & shared SO much in that time.
    Anyway, there came a time when he had a relationship that was getting serious, not his first obviously but the first really serious one & even though I was married she felt extremely threatened by our friendship. She was a bit younger than us & I think very insecure. So the long & the short of it was the ultimatum came from her, a 'her or me' type of thing & although he tried to reason with her & comfort her & what have you, he -much to my hurt - gave in & ended our friendship.
    I actually have a post of this in my blog it was one of the reasons I started it as a bit of therapy I suppose. It hurt me so much & even now still does. It’s not nice to think someone deliberately decides they don’t want you in their life anymore.
    But I’m trying to get on with it as I truly believe everything happens for a reason even though it may not be clear to us now.
    So stay strong & keep smiling. :o)
    Ciara

    ReplyDelete

Share your grind!