26 March 2008

Acceptance

It has been quite some time since I've written about my sister. I think of her everyday though, and during the most unexpected moments. Her anniversary is coming soon, and I have been missing her more than usual. On the 31st, it will have been eight years. Eight years. I cannot even believe that I have survived for this long without her. When she first died, the pain of losing her was so intense. There were moments of grief so unbearable, I was convinced that one could die from missing someone so much. I had gone through all the emotional stages of grief: sadness, anger, realization, and finally, acceptance.

But even acceptance cannot heal the hurt in my heart and the longing that I feel for her. I look at my daughter, and at times I can see glimpses of my sister's face in her, or I see movements and mannerisms that remind me of my sister. It is in these moments that I miss my sister the most. But I also miss her when I'm reading a book or watching a movie that I know she would have liked. I miss her when I'm riding the subway and some weirdo takes a seat next to me. If she were still here, we could have laughed about it. But she's not, and acceptance has stopped me from cursing God about why He took her instead of me.

It's been a long road to get to where I am now in my acceptance of her no longer being here. I no longer cry for her everyday or sit in a room catatonic with grief. But the pain is still there, dull, but ever-present. It is that same pain that reminds me, however, that she still lives, comfortably nestled in my heart.

12 comments:

  1. The heart is the best place to keep someones spirit alive. It is so special that you can see bits of her in your daughter.
    This is another thing that we share common ground on, I lost my brother 12 years ago. I still think of him daily, and I carry him in my heart always.

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  2. Girl, you sister was awesome, she is in a better place now watching over you and baby G.

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  3. I've never lost a sibling, or someone I considered close enough to be a sibling so I can only guess at the pain of your loss, however you do have my sympathy.

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  4. Hi Nova; it will not be easy in her anniversary, just as andrea has said, the heart is where it's...your love for her is that of greatness, which is inside you....Greatest thing we humans have on this earth is knowing we have been loved and are loving, she knew that. she's looking down on you from the heavens, saying..I love you sis..keep your head up and carry on...R.I.P. God has for ever blessed her and you.

    Stay stong.

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  5. she lives in you and in your precious daughter. she is always present. : )

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  6. I cannot even imagine what you must have gone through and are still going through. Wishing you strength & courage always.

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  7. Thanks for writing so eloquently of your memory and grief Nova. I'm sorry for all who loved her. Perhaps you will keep glimpsing her in your little one. When you love her, you can love both in some way.

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  8. Hey Nova! I still miss her too.
    Nice post and thanks for the "props" on my blog. I thought your blog was gone for like a year, but here it is. Now I have some catch up reading. I will re-link it!

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  9. dear nova...

    your sister never left you and she never will!

    take care!

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  10. I miss her very much.

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  11. ((((hugs))))

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