19 January 2008

Dust Clouds

I left for Maryland again yesterday. I come down here to Maryland, back to my family, my friends, my home, so that I can leave New York and all of the stresses and complications that are associated with being there. It's so relaxing and comforting to be down here, free from drama and tension. I am blanketed here with a sense of warmth and security that I have never been able to feel in New York.

But I'm slowly starting to realize that you never really can escape from your troubles. Troubles are like a poisonous venom that flows through your blood, and no matter where you go or how you try to run from it, it will follow you, and slowly eat at you from the inside.

So now, even Maryland is not far enough away from all that plagues me. The world feels too small, and not nearly big enough to fit both me and my troubles.

I just want to take an ax and amputate that part of my life that is venomous and stop it from oozing into all the little cracks of my existence. I want to be free from that dreadful disease of worry and live with a light heart.

I know I have to let some things go in order for me to move forward. It will be hard because there are still so many little things that spark a bad memory and there are still little fragments of dust leftover from the past that still continue to dirty the present, no matter where I go. So be it there in New York, or here in Maryland, or even in the farthest reaches of the world, the dust clouds follow me and will continue to follow me until I can find a way to completely sweep them out of my life.

4 comments:

  1. and you will.

    it is about time - time required for healing and time necessary to being ready, truly being ready to let go and move forward.

    sending you hugs and good wishes.

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  2. A little bit of time will pass, and with it those problems and worries that are currently plaguing you. You're a martial artist, and a Mom, with strength to spare, and far stronger than you know sometimes. :D

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  3. you are so right...the worries follow us...they found me here in taiwan just few days after my arrival...
    oh dear, is there anything i can do for you? are you back to maryland for good?

    i miss you!
    kiss on your soul!

    leandra

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  4. This is a sad post Nova. It's true that life's wounds and hurts are carried by our bodies and minds and that wherever I go, of course my body and mind are with me (excepting deep sleep perhaps). Understanding that and understanding that beneath those hurts is an innocent, beautiful pure heart, mind and spirit (like your wonderful daughter's) is a good thing to remind yourself. I mean you of course :)

    Finding peace inside is a challenge, but it can be done. I have a feeling you're going to be just fine.

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