08 October 2007

This Street or That

Are we mere leaves

"You know how often the turning down this street or that, the accepting or rejecting of an invitation, may deflect the whole current of our lives into some other channel. Are we mere leaves, fluttered hither and thither by the wind, or are we rather, with every conviction that we are free agents, carried steadily along to a definite and pre-determined end?"

~ Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, The Stark Munro Letters

~*~*~

It has been a whirlwhind of a summer. Hard for me to imagine that it's already Autumn, and soon Winter. Giada is seven months old now, and that is even more difficult for me to believe. The days and nights, weeks, and months, and now the seasons have all meshed into one undistinguishable time line. 

On most days, I wake with a definitive purpose: to go about my day and try to come out breathing. In between, I try to make all the facets of my life work in conjunction with one another - a balancing act of sorts. It is then that I realize that I never really was good at juggling.

On other days, and mostly on those days that I don't feel like waking, I feel as though my days are at destiny's whim, and no matter how I had planned for my day to go, it never ends as I had wanted or expected. I wonder then if we really do have free will, or if our lives simply follow the course that has already been mapped for us. Certain events in my own life have me believe the latter, simply because there are no rational explanations for some of the experiences that I have had to endure. Surely, Event X would never have had to happen, unless Event Y was going to happen at a later time to somehow give validation to it.

Life is just one big mystery to me right now. All I want is for all the little fragmented pieces of my life to all come together to make one big, happy picture. It doesn't seem too much to ask, or does it?

7 comments:

  1. oh, nova, i have missed you. i wished i had an address to email you. your post made me a bit sad. i sense that you are still adjusting to the changes in your life and feel that some event(s) have been quite difficult. i am sorry. when i think back on my own life (i am considerably older than you) i can see periods which moved like you describe. some years were difficult and others seemed like a peaceful rest in a hammock on a warm summer day. i am not a believer in destiny, really. i believe we create our lives as we move through them. lessons we need to learn knock us in the head until we "get" it, and then we make the necessary changes which put us on a different path. some things happen (like the deaths of those we love) which can seem to paralyze us, crack our hearts and our lives into pieces, but we learn that life continues. we must keep moving forward, and time really does lessen the intensity of the pain we feel, etc.

    things will calm down in your life - i promise. you will once again have your own personal space, your sense of self and life back again. it is hard when someone else depends so mightily on us...so much we have to give and so little we seem to have to stoke the inner fires that are needed for our own energy. it is all going to come together again...just know that in the deepest part of you.

    maybe you can use your blog to vent, to stay in touch with the writer in yourself, to find a private retreat. i am sending you warm wishes for happy holidays and some peaceful moments where you only have YOU to consider. if there are those around you who can babysit and give you a few hours a week during which you can focus ONLY on you, it would be very beneficial right now. (wish i lived closer!)

    in the meantime, girl, you made a very beautiful baby. post some more pics of her and her mommy!

    big hugssssss, sky

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  2. hi Nova...hope things are much better now. It may all seem difficult today, but there's always tomorrow....keep your head up sis.

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  3. It's a while since this post, but I'm still checking in once in a while. Keep your eye on the ball and your heart on those you love.

    Best to you Nova.

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  4. nova! i missed you, but alas understand all that you are going through. i will welcome any post you have with open arms. hugs to you and yours during this holiday season!

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  5. I don't believe in predestination. But after the last round of events a few years back, I think I've come to the conclusion that free will doesn't exist like I once thought it did. There is so much we don't have control over - no matter the positive thoughts or appropriate prayers or behavior. But what we can control is how we decide to give the events in our life meaning. It's much easier to recognize the coherent patterns within what seems like fragments with a little distance on them.

    My toughest years were when my son was under two partially because having a baby was such a shock to my daily existence and also because a lot of other difficult things were going on. I think it gets easier to accept the fragments as you get older - you know they'll make sense eventually so easier to just go with the flow?

    Not yet sure. I'm raising teens now and definitely have my good days and bad days. :)

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  6. happy new year, nova!

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  7. i relate to your writing so much, even though i don't know you. you are able to put into words many times exactly what i'm feeling but don't have the ability to write myself.

    i love thinking about myself, humans, as being light and serendipitous like the flight of autumn leaves. it adds beauty to life, makes it seem worth living.

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